And then there was one

This is it.  This is the day before the big event.  The day before it all happens and makes me whole.  To be honest, I feel very much in an emotional flux today, kind of like a sensory overload.  All the emotions and feelings that have been with me are in the background, and I’m relaxing slowly.  Everything that needed doing is done, and all I have to do is hang on for the journey now.

Admittedly yes, my routine today has been somewhat different from normal.  Without that first mug of coffee, I don’t know how I managed to get going, but I did!  The first sachet of Picolax was taken within plenty of time, and that has worked already.  I didn’t quite what to expect from that, but oh my….I’ll leave that to my readers vivid imaginations!!

I think the only hard thing I am finding today, as I said to Eric and Dave, is *not* eating.  I’ve been doing Slimming World since February, and they encourage you to eat, and to eat the right things.  However, with the bowel prep needed in preparation for tomorrow, I have a very limited list of what I can eat, and at what times I am allowed to eat and drink.  So yes, it was very very hard to resist sneaking that little bit of beef off of the plate whilst preparing lunch.  You never know, I could even come out of all this with a weight loss, something which wouldn’t be expected over Christmas!

The rest of the day seems easier though.  One more picolax between 2 and 4, and supper between 7 and 9pm, and then that is it.  Well, barring the fluids I must keep drinking.

So, hopefully the next time I post my blog, the operation will be over and done with.  Fingers crossed!!

Nerves and Fear and Excitement, oh my!!

Well, the Thursday just gone marked the entry into the last week before the big day for me.  No longer was it ages and ages away, but a week.  Today is just 4 little days to go.  The nerves that were quietly bubbling away inside of me, have kind of erupted into a huge massive lava spewing volcano that almost seems like it wants to consume me.

I’ve had surgery in the past.  I tried to count how many times I have been under the knife in 36 years.  Now, including last years gallbladder removal, tonsils, 3 mastoidectomies, and more sets of grommets than I can count, I exceed 20 surgeries.  However, none of them prompted this kind of nervous anticipation.

I know, I know, the previous operations were not life changing to the extent that this one is, but I really didn’t expect to be quite this nervous and excited.  Combined with the hot flushes, which *ARE* a nightmare, I’m barely sleeping and nervous eating far far to much because of this.  Admittedly, I am taking prescription sleeping pills every other day to help, but even these do not take the edge off.

4 days though.  Well, 3 days, 11 hours, and 27 minutes according to the app on my smartphone.  And each of those days right now seems like an eternity.  I’m desperately trying to keep busy, and keep my mind focused elsewhere.  I’ve got something to do Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday…..well, Wednesday is now called bowel prep day.  Yes, it’s the picolax treatment in preparation for the day after….oh joy!  I think I’ll spare you all the gory details on that day.

Keeping busy

So, officially today I can finally say that my surgery is next week!  10 days and counting, but believe me, I can do that time more accurate thanks to a little app on my phone.  As the big day gets closer still, I cant help but be filled with a mix of nervousness, worry, fear, and of course, excitement.  It’s a mix of emotions that keep me awake at night with thoughts running through my head.  Last night for example, I think I managed a whole hours sleep.  One of my dear friends today joked with me about how that was a luxury!

I kind of anticipated this happening.  I know what I’m like when really looking forward to something, so I’ve done my best for the next few days to make sure that my days are somewhat full.  Like yesterday.  Admittedly, it was an oversight on someone else’s behalf that lead to hubby and I booking places on the North York Moors Railway for their Christmas Moorlander lunch special.

Yes, it was booked for his birthday, and the 2 hour drive each way was a little hard, but it was so very enjoyable.  It was exactly what was needed to keep my mind off of things.  Who knows, we might do it again next year, funds allowing.  However, it’s when I’m not doing anything that it’s not so good right now.  Don’t get me wrong, I *know* this is so the right thing for me, but I am plain scared.

I guess some of it is nervous anticipation of what is going to happen.  Yes, this is a procedure that has been done time and time again, but I can not help worrying about it.  And about hubby…and all the other things.  This is my nature, inherited from my Mum.  She always said that if she had nothing to worry about, she would worry about that instead.  But still, 10 days and counting, and they can not go quick enough for me!

Things are amoving!

Things for me have just become so much more real.  I had my pre-operative assessment yesterday (Friday).  Now, I have had a bunch of surgery in my 36 years, so have been through the process a number of times, but none as big as this.  I’m sure those who have had surgery before know what a pre-op consists of.  You know, height, weight blood tests etc.  So yes, vital stuff, but nothing to make you nervous.  And yet, walking through those doors at Methley Park, you would have thought it was ‘the day’!

I did find out a whole bunch of other stuff as well.  Like, the day before I have to do stomach cleansing (eww!) which involved 2 sachets of something called Picolax and a limited diet.  Apparently, this is needed as, and get this, following the op, I have to have 5 days of bed rest.  Yes, that is right, 5 days in bed.  God, that will drive me banana’s.  I’ll have to make sure to take lots of films, and maybe a project to do in hospital!

I have to say, I walked out of that hospital with my head spinning with things confirmed that I’d been reading about, and with the new information.  However, one thing I do know for sure.  This is the right path.  Yes, there are nerves and worries, but that is natural.  But this feels so right.  It will be worth the pain and tears (and epidurals and stomach cleansings!) to finally be the person on the outside, that I am inside!